Roseanne: The Fight Before Christmas
by Comrade Zombie
Summary: It's Christmas at the Conner house and Becky wants to spend it with Jimmy Meltrigger and his family. But Roseanne won't have any of that...    This script takes place during season two.


**THE FIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS**

**(Season Two, 1989)**

**EXT. CONNER HOME - MORNING**

**A still shot of the Conner home as a gentle gust of snow sprinkles from the sky. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - SAME **

**DAN sits on the couch, lounging around watching Christmas-themed television shows. ROSEANNE, vacuuming, finds herself blocked by Dan's legs.**

**She shoves the vacuum gently into his leg. He doesn't budge. **

**ROSEANNE**

**Move your feet! **

**Dan looks up. **

**DAN**

**Oh what? Were you talking to me? **

**ROSEANNE**

**No. I was talking to your feet. **

**Dan grabs his foot and moves it toward his ear.**

**DAN**

**What's that Mr. Foot? You don't want to move?**

**ROSEANNE**

**I'll take off your big toe, Dan Conner. Don't tempt me.**

**Dan smiles and retreats - spreading his entire body across the couch. **

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**That's right, Dan. Just lay there while I do all the work! **

**DAN**

**Hey, I helped! I got that Christmas presents out of the trunk.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah, after I spent five hours at the mall shopping for them!**

**DAN**

**(naively) **

**So? **

**ROSEANNE**

**So! I've been working my butt off all morning to get this place somewhat presentable before my neurotic parents get here and you won't even lift a finger because you're too busy watching Frosty! **

**Dan scoffs.**

**DAN**

**Frosty? FROSTY? It's Rudolph, Roseanne. You need a refresher on your Christmas cartoons.**

**ROSEANNE**

**I need a new husband. **

**DAN**

**That atop your Christmas list this year?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Along with a new house and new kids. **

**Roseanne laughs and continues doing her work as DJ storms in from upstairs. **

**He plops next to Dan on the couch.**

**He's holding a list. **

**DJ**

**I have some last minute Christmas wishes, Dad. **

**DAN**

**Oh you do, DJ?**

**DJ**

**Yup!**

**He hands Dan the list - who then scans it and raises a brow.**

**DAN**

**You're dreaming! **

**DJ**

**Oh come on! **

**Roseanne finishes up vacuuming.**

**ROSEANNE**

**What's he want? **

**DAN**

**A Nintendo.**

**ROSEANNE**

**You're dreaming! **

**Dan looks at DJ and laughs.**

**DAN**

**(childishly)**

**That's what ****I**** said! **

**DJ**

**Aww, c'mon guys! Can't you call Santa up?**

**Roseanne walks over to the phone in the kitchen and grabs it.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Sure!**

**ROSEANNE**

**(into the phone)**

**Get me Santa! **

**She hangs it up. **

**DAN**

**Sport, I'm sorry. But it's a recession. Even Santa is having trouble paying the light bill up there in the North Pole. Maybe next year.**

**DJ**

**I hate Christmas! **

**ROSEANNE**

**Now you're learning. Go wake up your sisters. They need to finish the laundry before Grandma and Grandpa get here. **

**DJ takes off back up the stairs. Roseanne joins Dan on the couch.**

**DAN**

**Ouch.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah. Remember when we promised we'd give our kids everything they asked for on Christmas?**

**DAN**

**We also promised to love them unconditionally. **

**ROSEANNE**

**I don't remember that! **

**She laughs and cozies up to Dan. **

**EXT. CONNER HOUSE - AFTERNOON**

**The snow has now picked up. A few inches have covered the front yard. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN**

**Roseanne, now dressed, washes off the kitchen table. Dan has just come in from shoveling the walks. **

**DAN**

**Heard from your parents yet?**

**ROSEANNE**

**They're still stuck in Elgin. **

**DAN**

**Good! **

**ROSEANNE**

**Keep it up and we'll spend Christmas at **_**their**_** house.**

**DAN**

**You wouldn't dare!**

**ROSEANNE**

**Try me!**

**Dan sneers as he sits down at the table and grabs the paper. Becky then enters the kitchen, innocently glaring at Roseanne.**

**BECKY**

**Need help? **

**Roseanne seems suspicious.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Did you finish the laundry? **

**BECKY**

**Yup. Fluffed and folded. **

**ROSEANNE**

**Room cleaned?**

**BECKY**

**Darlene is working on that.**

**Roseanne's eyes rise further in doubt. **

**ROSEANNE**

**You want something!**

**BECKY**

**Do not! **

**ROSEANNE**

**Yes you do! You're never this obedient! **

**BECKY**

**Dad! **

**DAN**

**Sorry, Beckster, your mom's got you there. **

**BECKY**

**Oh right. Can't even offer to help without an ulterior motive.**

**ROSEANNE**

**I created ulterior motives. **

**Roseanne laughs as Becky looks onward, deadpanned. **

**BECKY**

**It's nothing big.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Uh huh. **

**BECKY**

**Jimmy and his folks are spending Christmas at their cabin down at Shabbona Lake.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Uh huh **

**BECKY**

**And he invited me.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Absolutely not.**

**BECKY**

**Mom! **

**ROSEANNE**

**No, Becky. You're spending Christmas with your family. **

**BECKY**

**That's not fair.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Exactly! If I have to suffer through it, so do you.**

**Becky turns to Dan, who forcefully tries to ignore their fight.**

**BECKY**

**Dad? **

**DAN**

**Your mom's right, Becky. Your grandparents are coming.**

**BECKY**

**I saw them at Thanksgiving.**

**ROSEANNE**

**And you're gonna see 'em at Christmas! With a big ol' jolly smile on your face because you're gonna enjoy it. **

**BECKY**

**Real fair! I hate this house!**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah well so do I. **

**Becky storms out of the kitchen. **

**Roseanne grabs a piece of paper off the counter.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Think it's too late to send Santa my Christmas list?**

**INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENE'S ROOM**

**Becky is packing, while Darlene lays on her bed tossing her baseball up in the air.**

**DARLENE**

**You're not going to get away with this, snot face.**

**BECKY**

**What do you know? **

**DARLENE**

**I know Momzilla watches over this place like it was the last slice of pizza in the pizza box.**

**BECKY**

**Well I don't care. I'm going with Jimmy.**

**Darlene sits up and tosses her ball at Becky, who ducks out of the way. **

**BECKY**

**Jerk. **

**DARLENE**

**You're the jerk. You're gonna go and tick off mom and dad the day before Christmas and it's going to be DJ and me who suffers. I want my gifts! I've been good for the last month and a half. I deserve them! **

**BECKY**

**Yeah, well, that's your problem.**

**Becky, now packed, begins walking toward the door. Darlene quickly bolts off her bed and blocks her. **

**DARLENE**

**No. It's **_**your**_** problem. You're not ruining Christmas.**

**BECKY**

**Get out of the way, Darlene.**

**DARLENE**

**Or what?**

**BECKY**

**Or I'll use your head as a baseball. **

**DARLENE**

**You don't scare me. **

**Becky jerks forward and Darlene flinches back.**

**BECKY**

**Thought so. **

**She then pushes her out of the way and exits into the HALLWAY. **

**But before she can get any further, Roseanne stands. Menacing. **

**ROSEANNE**

**Where do you think you're going?**

**BECKY**

**Uh - I was - uh**

**Darlene, seizing the upper hand, snidely interjects. **

**DARLENE**

**With Jimmy…**

**ROSEANNE**

**I told you no.**

**BECKY**

**Mom, you're being unfair.**

**ROSEANNE**

**That's what's great about being a parent. You never have to be fair. And when you have little joys yourself, you'll know exactly where I'm coming from.**

**DARLENE **

**I think you're fair, mother.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Put a sock in it, Darlene. I've already done the Christmas shopping. **

**Darlene retreats back into her bedroom. **

**BECKY**

**You're so not cool**

**ROSEANNE**

**You're just now figuring this out?**

**Becky doesn't answer.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**Am I going to have to stand guard the entire day or are you going to start acting like a mature teenager?**

**BECKY**

**(annoyed)**

**Fine. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN - LATER**

**The kitchen is finally cleaned. Roseanne, alone, cooks a plump turkey as JACKIE enters through the back door. She's carrying a large bag filled with gifts. **

**JACKIE**

**Hey.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Oh hey. **

**JACKIE**

**They here yet?**

**ROSEANNE**

**They? Oh you mean our lovely parents?**

**She pauses for a second, smiling.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**No. **

**JACKIE**

**Good. Do you have something to drink?**

**Roseanne points toward the fridge.**

**ROSEANNE **

**I think we have some pop. **

**JACKIE**

**I was thinking something a bit stronger.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Oh. Na, sorry. Polished it off this morning.**

**To show a hint of her sarcasm, Roseanne laughs. **

**JACKIE**

**So where do you want the gifts? **

**ROSEANNE**

**Oh I don't know - under the Christmas tree?**

**Just as Jackie goes to grab the bag, Becky enters. She angrily opens the fridge, takes a glance inside and slams the door shut and storms out of the kitchen.**

**JACKIE**

**What's her problem?**

**ROSEANNE**

**She hates me. **

**JACKIE**

**Well how's that different from any other day? **

**ROSEANNE**

**Well I guess it's not. **

**JACKIE**

**So what'd you do? **

**ROSEANNE**

**I didn't do nothing! She wanted to spend Christmas with Jimmy.**

**JACKIE**

**And you said no? **

**ROSEANNE**

**Of course I said no. It's Christmas.**

**JACKIE**

**Remember that one Christmas when you wanted to go up to Chicago with Mike Sullivan?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah. What about it?**

**JACKIE**

**Mom cried and cried because she thought it meant you didn't want to spend Christmas with her.**

**ROSEANNE**

**I didn't - and still don't! **

**JACKIE**

**Yeah well, kids do that.**

**ROSEANNE**

**And I didn't go, did I?**

**JACKIE**

**But you were miserable the whole Christmas break.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Oh wake up, Jackie! I've been miserable my whole life.**

**Then a commotion from the living room - the grandparents have arrived. **

**DAN (from living room)**

**Rosie, your folks are here.**

**Roseanne looks over to Jackie, fighting back laughter.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Think Jimmy Meltrigger's family would mind if I tagged along? **

**In the living room, there is a lot of hugging. Dan, who had been watching television, tries to maneuver around it.**

**Jackie and Roseanne enter from the kitchen.**

**BEV**

**Roseanne! Jackie! **

**BEV walks up and gives them both a hug.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Hi mom. How're the roads?**

**BEV**

**Just awful. And worse with the way your father drives.**

**ART**

**I thought about tying a sleigh to the back and forcing your mother to ride in it just to shut her up. **

**BEV**

**Oh Art, you're terrible. **

**Bev does a quick glance around the living room. **

**BEV (CONT'D)**

**Where are my wonderful grandkids? **

**ROSEANNE**

**In another dimension? **

**Roseanne then walks up to the stairs and yells up them.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**Children! Your grandparents are here!**

**From upstairs, you can hear the sound of footsteps thumping closer to the stairway.**

**BEV**

**Roseanne, looks like you've put on a few Holiday pounds…**

**ROSEANNE**

**(under her breath)**

**I'd like to pound you.**

**BEV**

**What was that dear? **

**ROSEANNE**

**Nothing mother!**

**DJ and Darlene storm down the stairs. **

**DJ**

**Grandpa! Grandma! **

**DARLENE**

**Where's the presents? **

**Bev and Art both shower them with smooches.**

**ART **

**Not even a kiss from your favorite grandpa?**

**DARLENE**

**What's it worth to you?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Darlene! **

**Darlene relents and allows Art to plant one right on her cheek. After the smooch, Darlene quickly wipes it away. **

**DARLENE**

**Okay. I lived up to my end of the bargain. Now those gifts? **

**ART**

**They're out in the car. I'm sure your old man wouldn't mind getting 'em. **

**Art tosses Dan the keys, who reluctantly agrees.**

**BEV**

**Where's Becky? **

**ROSEANNE**

**(yelling upstairs)**

**BECKY! GET YER BUTT DOWN HERE!**

**BEV**

**Do you always have to be so loud?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah.**

**Becky slowly ambles down the stairs, shooting Roseanne with a death glare. **

**BECKY**

**Hi Grandpa and Grandma. **

**ART**

**Well get down here and give your old grandpa a kiss.**

**DARLENE**

**Yeah, Beck, pucker up! **

**BECKY**

**Cram it, Darlene.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Now, now. Save the fighting for dinner. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN **

**Jackie and Roseanne sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee, while Bev pours herself a cup.**

**BEV**

**Have you checked on the turkey?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yes, Mom. **

**BEV**

**Maybe I should give it a little look.**

**ROSEANNE**

**It's fine, Mom. **

**BEV**

**Just a peek. **

**Bev opens the stove and takes a glance.**

**ROSEANNE**

**(whispering to Jackie)**

**How much would you give me if I pushed her in?**

**Bev quickly bolts up.**

**BEV**

**Don't think I didn't hear that. **

**Bev joins them at the table.**

**BEV (CONT'D)**

**Jackie, you're looking a little gaunt. Have you been sick?**

**JACKIE**

**No, Mom. But thanks for pointing that out.**

**BEV**

**You need a little color. Get some sun.**

**Roseanne takes a look out the back window, the snow continues to pile up.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Yeah because Lanford is such a tropical paradise.**

**Jackie laughs. Bev looks less amused.**

**BEV**

**(to Roseanne)**

**So I noticed some tension between you and Becky. What'd you do this time, Roseanne? **

**ROSEANNE**

**Why do you think it's my fault? **

**BEV**

**Oh Roseanne, I know you.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Well you're wrong.**

**BEV**

**Want me to talk to her?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Not if you want things fixed. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - KITCHEN**

**A bit later, dinner is about to be served. The kitchen table has been expanded and the turkey fresh out of the oven. Bev and Jackie are setting the plates. **

**In the living room, Roseanne notices Becky is missing.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Where's your sister?**

**DARLENE**

**Hopefully under a pile of snow.**

**ROSEANNE**

**I'm serious, Darlene.**

**BECKY**

**She went upstairs. **

**INT. CONNER HOME - BECKY/DARLENE'S ROOM**

**In the bedroom, Becky lays on her bed, looking out the window as the snow falls. **

**Roseanne knocks on the door.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Can I come in?**

**BECKY**

**Not like you won't anyway.**

**ROSEANNE**

**You're right.**

**Roseanne enters and plops down next to Becky on the bed.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**I know you're mad at me, Becky.**

**BECKY**

**That's an understatement. So just leave.**

**ROSEANNE**

**No. **

**Becky sits up.**

**BECKY**

**Why do you always have to try and make things right? Why can't you just leave me alone?**

**ROSEANNE**

**Because I'm your mother. It's my job to bother you.**

**BECKY**

**Yeah, well, you're good at it. **

**Becky lays back down.**

**ROSEANNE**

**I've had practice. **

**Becky doesn't respond.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**C'mon, Becky. See it from my point of view.**

**BECKY**

**I'm always forced to see it from your point of view.**

**ROSEANNE**

**It's because I'm right.**

**BECKY**

**You're not funny.**

**ROSEANNE**

**No - but I am right about this. **

**Becky again sits up. **

**BECKY**

**What makes you so sure? It's a stupid two days and you couldn't even give me that. **

**ROSEANNE**

**It's not just two days. It's Christmas Eve and Christmas. You know, we've never been apart for Christmas?**

**BECKY**

**Yeah, well, some day we will. So you should get used to it.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Exactly my point, Becky. There isn't a limitless amount of Christmases we're going to spend together. So why rush it?**

**BECKY**

**Because it's the same thing every year. So why does it matter if I take one year off?**

**ROSEANNE**

'**Cause before you know it, you'll have a family of your own and it'll just be me and your dad - and probably DJ - celebrating. I just want to spend as many Christmases as I can with you, Darlene and DJ because I know one day you won't be here anymore.**

**BECKY**

**Grandma and grandpa are here every Christmas. **

**ROSEANNE**

**Only because no one else will have 'em.**

**Becky laughs. **

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**You'll have plenty of Christmases to go off and do your own thing. But not now. Not today. And you'll hate me, but when you have children of your own, you'll see where I'm coming from. **

**BECKY**

**I guess.**

**ROSEANNE**

**So you gonna come down and eat? **

**BECKY**

**Yeah.**

**INT. CONNER HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER**

**Most the family has already found their way to table as Becky and Roseanne enter the kitchen.**

**BEV**

**So have you two made up?**

**ROSEANNE**

**I guess you can say that.**

**DARLENE**

**It's a Christmas miracle! **

**BECKY**

**Quiet, Darlene. **

**The two join the rest of the family at the table. **

**Dan, sitting next to Roseanne, grabs her hand. **

**The scene ends with the family abuzz while they eat their Christmas Eve feast. **

**EXT. CONNER HOUSE - MORNING **

**It's Christmas Morning. A few flakes of snow shakes from the sky. **

**INT. CONNER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM**

**The entire family eagerly awaits the opening of gifts, though minus one member - Dan. **

**DJ **

**Can we please open them? **

**DJ shakes with anticipation.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Not until your dad gets his butt out here.**

**She turns toward the bedroom and yells.**

**ROSEANNE (CONT'D)**

**DAN! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? **

**BEV**

**Oh Roseanne, a woman shouldn't yell like that. Get up and go into the other room if you want to communicate with your husband.**

**ROSEANNE**

**Well let's give it a try, Mom. Why don't you go sit in the kitchen and when I'm ready to communicate, I'll come in and join you?**

**Art grabs Bev's hand, subtley telling her to back off. **

**DJ**

**(whining)**

**Mooooom. **

**ROSEANNE**

**(yelling)**

**All right, Dan. I guess I'll just have to give all your gifts to goodwill. And it looks like Santa brought you a nice new fishing reel.**

**That gains his attention, as Dan quickly bolts out of the back hallway and into the living room. **

**DAN**

**You wouldn't dare! **

**ROSEANNE**

**Okay, DJ - Christmas is officially here.**

**DARLENE**

'**Bout time. **

**The family begins tearing open their gifts with reckless abandon. Roseanne, though, just sits and watches - smiling. **

**THE END**


End file.
